Sunday, May 17, 2009

Mothering


Our last blog got me to thinking about a lot.....about who've I've become since giving birth to my daughter. Before I had Ryleigh I had 3 jobs, not because I needed them but because I could. I was newly single from a long term BAD relationship and I had moved back in with mom at 27. We were starting over together, she was going through a divorce and I had lived out of state for years so we did it together! Anyway, I was single and working, enjoy freedom and did what I wanted, when I wanted. Long story short, I became a mommy, a single mommy and everything changed. Anyone who knows me even a little has know since I was 16 yrs old I was planning to be a mommy and marriage wasn't necessarily part of the plan, so when I had Ryleigh no one was shocked. Let me say, no one could have ever prepared me for what would happen. First of all on a funny note, if they handed out pamphlets about what women REALLY go through or the worst of the worst that could happen to your body, well we'd end teen pregnancy! Second, I had no idea the emotional journey I would take......the overwhelming love and fears...........the total lack of identity I'd be left without.....not knowing who I am or what I may be after becoming a mommy.
I am no longer Meagan, I'm mommy. Now, I love being mommy but I also loved being me. I was a lot of fun. I was the go to girl for getting your hair done, talking about problems, going dancing, BBQ's.........I was really social and carefree. Now I am plagued with mommy thoughts, I feel like I ruin Ryleigh and Jami's fun because mommy mode has me checking out all possible safety issues. EXAMPLE:
We went to stay in northern Jersey for a conference. We had room service and a pool, all kind of fun stuff for Ry and while Jami was working. It should have been relaxing and it was for the most part, but I remembered thinking......This hotel has 8 floors, with to normal elevators and several service. Each floor has at least to exit with stairs and there has to be a way you can access the roof. Yes, i was terrified my fearless 3 yr old(at the time) would sneak out and either A:I'd never find her or B: She go to the roof
This is one way motherhood has affected me, it's made me a nut!

Here is the new problem, my daughter is starting school and I am wanting to have another baby. It's been there for a while now, about 2 yrs. I started feeling strange, like what is my purpose if I'm not a mother, I can't image not having babies. Being a mommy is the best choice I have ever made for myself. I honestly live for my daughter. Before her I didn't think about life or death, I didn't care. Now that I have Ry, she is the reason I breathe, literally, the reason I wake up and continue to do what I do is her. It's so strange how life changes for moms, now I realize not everyone feels this way. One of my best girlfriend had her son and could not wait to get back to work. She had a C-section and was back to work after only 5 weeks. She said she never could be a stay at home. So her life didn't change as much, maybe it's a stay at home mommy thing???Anyway, the want for a second child is almost as bad and the want I had before my daughter was born. She is growing more and more dependent and soon she'll be starting school and, and, and what? I want more children, two more, I always wanted a large family but it doesn't look like it will happen and if it doesn't happen then what, who am I if I'm not mommy? I have been out of the work force that any job I went to my supervisors would all be 10yrs younger and I'd be making minimum wage, like I need another slap in the face. OK, so I'm really curious if anyone else struggles with who you've become or what to do when your babies leave for school or if you agree or disagree with what I have to say???

4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I worry that you gave up Meagan. It is okay to be mommy and still have your own identity seperate from that, in fact I think it is a good thing.

    My own thought is that when someone is able to find that balence one can be stronger as a mother, partner, person, etc.

    Not an easy task though...

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  3. I don't feel I have given up, I feel I am a product of my environment. In the south were I was raised and live until last year, it's common for a woman to live for her family. I can hear it now, some one is thinking "look at all the work women have done for the rights of women and getting equal right....and you are wanting to take a set backwards." This was my choice, I can think of nothing more that I'd rather do than be a mom and a wife. I love cooking for my family, doing their laundry( I am the queen of stain and love it) love caring for them, it makes me happy. My problem is I'm feeling less needed since my daughter has gain so much independence, which is GREAT but I really in enjoy having babies. I enjoy the pregnancy, I enjoy the consent feeding and diaper changing, the late nights were its just the two of you.....I love all the 1st you enjoy and I want to too it all again! I don't feel I haven't given up anything, I just want to do it all over again! Thanks Ethel for your comment and I will think about what you've said.

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  4. *****step backwards****

    to correct above

    ReplyDelete

 
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