Sunday, May 17, 2009

RE: Bedtime, sex......

Let me start by saying my daughter has a brain tumor and has had seizures in the past. This is when we started co-sleeping because I was deathly afraid to leave my child. I was a single parent for the 1st three years of her life, alone, really alone! I was afraid that if I put her in her room alone something would happen and I'd never hear it. I am a stay at home mommy and my daughter doesn't go to school and we have recently moved 1,000 mile from everyone we know and love. She hasn't been dealing with it very well, she has abandonment issues. For the longest time she thought that everyday Jami was going to Alabama and not coming home and cried. I deal with this the best I know how, children don't come with manuals. She is on a bed schedule, she is asleep 95% of the time at the same time. She sleeps with me because Jami doesn't sleep with me anyway and those fears just don't disappear. Jami and I don't sleep together because I can't sleep with a SNORER! I also have dealt with insomnia for the past 16yrs, my father also has if I seem to value sleep above all else, your right, because I don't sleep.
Fathers and mothers or birth parent and co-parents never see things the same. Usually, and I said usually, the birth parent is overwhelmed with the reality of things. The parent who is involved less, whether it's work related or separation, doesn't have to worry as much they know the child is care for by the spouse. In our situation is a step-parent, all though Ryleigh could care less.....Jami is her forever favorite, anyway, Jami walked in to this family and completed it, but has none of the concerns because I was taking care of it before and I will continue. That said, it not only plays into our different schedules, or differences in parenting but our lack of intimacy. Since becoming a mommy, I don't need the intimacy that my partner does and fussing about only pushes me further away from it. At the end of a 12 or more hour day with our daughter sex is the last of my list. It's another thing on my long list of things to do. If you want intimacy than your going to have to work on your approach. Walking up behind me and smacking on the butt isn't a form of foreplay, or the massage, the blessed massage that we all get. The let me rub your back for 5 minutes now lets have sex. I don't want it or need it as much but if we are going to do this my form of foreplay is....taking care of our 4yr old the rest of the day, cook me dinner and draw me a bath.....that's foreplay. I will be relaxed and more likely to be intimate with you. We share long kisses everyday, unless we are angry and sometimes that's enough for me. I'm sorry I'm not filling all my "wifely duties" according to you but you do have a hand that works just fine!


  1. Just for the record... I don't rub your back expecting sex. I do it just because I love you. I know it isn't often, but it has no connection to sex at all.

    And yes. My hand does work... Just not as well.

  2. Ah I think I almost could've written this post. We cosleep and my hubby works odd hours so he's in bed by 6pm, way before the kiddo or I. So any intimacy is pretty hard to come by. I have been trying harder to make the time because I do know its important...and its nice to be adults and not just parents sometimes. Its hard and sometimes I just go with it, you always seem to enjoy it in the end ;)

  3. Thanks Kristen, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

  4. Meagan, you crack me up. And I'm not making light of your situation, its just that I could have written it too. I've started being very specific with my dh about what is going to work for me and whats not. And dishes being done is a huge turn on. LOL

  5. Wow. It sounds like this is a major sore spot for both of you. I hope it makes you feel a tiny bit better that you are definitely not alone. I think most couples with children feel the same way, regardless of whether or not they co-sleep, both parents work or one stays home, etc.

    I will say that, for us, having a set bedtime routine and schedule for our little boy has been great for us. He goes to bed at the same time every night and we have a few hours of adult time. Sometimes we spend it apart (he plays video games while I watch trashy reality TV) and sometimes we spend it together (watching a movie or just talking over a bottle of wine or a few beers). Either way, I think it goes a long way to save our sanity.

    That being said, the intimacy is still hard to come by. I think I can see both sides of your argument, especially since I really identify with Megan on the sleep thing and Jami's frustration. I also know that the physical part of a relationship is just as important as any other aspect and still needs to be cultivated in order to keep the relationship alive.

    It takes work and a certain amount of compromise from both sides. One thing that really helped us was designating one night a week as "date night" when we put the boy to bed a little early, turn off the TV and really focus on each other. We don't go so far as to call it "scheduled intimacy," since that would suck all the fun out of it, but it gives us both something to look forward to during the week and has, so far, helped keep both of us satiated.

    Whew. Sorry that was so long!

  6. Thanks for sharing Lin! I love hearing other peoples stories, advice and honestly, that we aren't alone in our issues!

  7. Meagan, my dh and I are going through much of same issues you are concerning the sex issue; honestly I can't remember the last time. How sad is that? A big part of it for me is I have a hard time seperating from being mommy even though my dd goes to bed at the same time each night giving dh and I plenty of time to be intiamte. Sigh... It also doesn't help that I have body image issues and his idea of foreplay sux. Oh well. Guess all we can do is work on it and hope it gets better right?

  8. jd6405,
    Your not alone, lots of my girlfriends haven't had sex with there partner in "God knows how long". Here is our problem, Jami gets sex, weekly, sometimes more than that, it's never enough. I was just remind (by Jami) that its about adult time, not necessarily sex. I too have body image issues, that worsen with giving birth. My problem is I don't get enough me time so when our daughter is sleeping the last thing I'm thinking about is making time for anyone else. I honestly want to watch reality TV, laugh at them and go to sleep. I guess I will take Lin's advice and try to schedule one night a week and call it date night, so we can spend time alone with or without sex.

    P.s......Oprah did a pole a couple of wks ago and out of 300 women 1/3 kissed their partners less than once a wk for 10seconds passionately. So really you/we aren't alone!